I’ve Noticed Something Odd About Wealth and Happiness

As a team and leadership development consultant since 1992, I’ve worked with a lot of high achievers. And here’s the strange thing:

Often those with the greatest wealth, income and outward success were the least happy.

Over time, they became more successful, with greater income, better positions, and more possessions. It all seemed great, except for one thing:

They were still unhappy and usually becoming steadily unhappier.

Occasionally they would notice that I seemed fairly happy and would ask me what the secret is.

I had no idea.

After all, they were getting all the things (wealth, security, possessions, power) that society says should make them happy. What was wrong?

So I got curious

I read papers, I read books, and I talked to happy people. And a picture started to emerge.

One of the most telling studies was the Grant study that followed 268 Harvard sophomores from 1938 through the rest of their lives. It turns out that close relationships were the most important determining factor in keeping people happy throughout their lives. More than money, fame, social class, IQ or genes.

This type of base-level happiness is called eudaimonic or intrinsic happiness. It comes from having good relationships, being grateful, savouring life, having a purpose and accepting yourself. This is the foundation on which your happiness is built. It is solid and enduring. You could call this the “cake” of happiness.

The other type is called hedonic or extrinsic happiness. It focuses on external things that “make” us happy. Winning the deal, buying the new house, getting the promotion, and receiving the top salesperson award are all things that provide hedonic happiness. This is the “icing” of happiness. These are the happiness “hits” that provide the memorable spikes in our happiness. They are ephemeral but feel ooooh soooo good. But when the “hit” is over, you often end up less happy than when you started. The problem with hedonic happiness is that it can suck you into a cycle of continually looking for the next spike. Psychologists call this the “hedonic treadmill”.

And that treadmill was a major factor in the unhappiness of the successful people I was coaching.

And the irony of it was that their pursuit of extrinsic success and hedonic happiness undermined the very foundations of their intrinsic happiness. Divorces, estranged children, ill health, work stress, and loss of close friendships were the collateral damage of their pursuit of success. And without this intrinsic foundation, they were even more likely to go for the quick extrinsic happiness hit instead of doing what it took to rebuild the foundation. A downward spiral if there ever were one.

The phrase I often heard was, “I’ll be happy when (insert goal achievement here)”. The problem was that this happiness only lasted for a short time and then they were on to the next “I’ll be happy when…”.

Why is it so difficult to get off the treadmill?

We’ve all seen the trite internet memes featuring images of the Dalai Lama telling us something like “happiness comes from within”.

They’re easy to dismiss.

The problem is, they’re right.

But it’s tough to look within. If you’ve spent your adult years pursuing extrinsic happiness while sacrificing your intrinsic happiness, it’s hard to admit that you were doing it all wrong. The sunk cost fallacy keeps you trapped on the treadmill. To change your approach feels like admitting failure. It’s easier to justify your approach and convince yourself that if you keep at it just a bit longer, you’ll find that elusive, enduring happiness.

Unfortunately for most people, they never get off the treadmill to try a new approach.

And that’s where I come in.

If you want to find your own rich, strong, deep and unassailable happiness, I can help. My superpower is in helping people release their internal blocks to happiness and strengthen their intrinsic happiness.

I know, I’ve been there.

I started my career with a giant corporation and then became VP of a software consulting company. After 6 years, I couldn’t stand it any longer. But seen from the outside, I had the dream job. I was VP of a growing tech company. Being a 26 year old travelling around the world helping major corporations with their change management issues made me look like, and sometimes feel like, a rock star.

But inside I was dying. There was really nothing wrong with the job itself, but some part of me knew that this was not my path to happiness. I would wake up with a sense of dread for the day ahead. I felt trapped. There were days when I was so stressed and miserable that I couldn’t even drink anything before noon without having a gag reflex. There was definitely something wrong.

Finally, I had no choice but to change everything. I decided go out and start something of my own. And it was a good thing I did, because by getting myself out of the corporate trajectory, I had unwittingly put myself on the road to my own intrinsic happiness.

For me, the freedom of running my own business was my key to create a work and life situation that suited me. Your path will likely be different. In fact, most people don’t need to make a huge, visible shift in their lives. Most of the work is in changing your internal approach to happiness.

Almost immediately the stress eased. My friendships began to recover. I poured myself into creating my own business that was centered on my talents and passions. But I was still not free. It took a few more years of trial and error until I could claim to have some mastery over my own happiness. One thing is certain; it would have been a lot quicker and easier and I would have made far fewer mistakes if I’d had a coach or mentor along the way.

Let's Connect. I Can Help.

It’s simple. If you’d like to feel better, be happier and enjoy life more, contact me. If there’s a fit, I can help you get there.

I am accepting one new client in December and one new client in January.