It Doesn't Matter How Successful You Are

If you're not happy, you're not happy.

As a team and leadership development consultant since 1992, I’ve worked with many successful people. And here’s the strange thing:

Often those with the greatest wealth, income, and outward success were the most unhappy.

And over time, as they became more successful, with greater income, better positions, and more possessions, they were still unhappy and usually becoming steadily unhappier.

It didn't make sense. And sometimes, they would notice that I seemed to be a fairly happy person and would ask me what my secret is.

I had no idea. And to be honest, I hadn't really thought about it.

After all, they were getting all the things (wealth, security, possessions, power) that society says should make them happy.

Why were they so unhappy?

So I got curious

I read papers, I read books, and I talked to happy people.

And a picture started to emerge.

One of the most telling studies was the Grant study that followed 268 Harvard sophomores from 1938 through the rest of their lives. It turns out that close relationships were the most important determining factor in keeping people happy throughout their lives. More than money, fame, social class, IQ or genes.

This type of base-level happiness is called eudaimonic or intrinsic happiness. It comes from having good relationships, being grateful, savoring life, having a purpose and accepting yourself. This is the foundation on which your happiness is built. It is solid and enduring. You could call this the “cake” of happiness.

The other type is called hedonic or extrinsic happiness. It focuses on external things that “make” us happy. Winning the deal, buying the new house, getting the promotion, and receiving the top salesperson award are all things that provide hedonic happiness. This is the “icing” on the cake of happiness. These are the happiness “hits” that provide the memorable spikes in our happiness. They are ephemeral but feel ooooh soooo good.

But when the “hit” is over, you often end up less happy than when you started. The problem with hedonic happiness is that it can suck you into a cycle of continually looking for the next spike. Psychologists call this the “hedonic treadmill”.

And that treadmill was a major factor in the unhappiness of the successful people I was coaching.

And the irony of it was that their pursuit of extrinsic success and hedonic happiness actually undermined the foundations of their intrinsic happiness. Divorces, estranged children, ill health, work stress, and loss of close friendships were the collateral damage of their pursuit of success. And without this intrinsic foundation, they were even more likely to go for the quick extrinsic happiness hit instead of doing what it took to rebuild the foundation. A downward spiral if there ever were one.

The phrase I often heard was, “I’ll be happy when (insert goal achievement here)”. The problem was that this happiness only lasted for a short time and then they were on to the next “I’ll be happy when…”.

Why is it so difficult to get off the treadmill?

We’ve all seen the trite internet memes featuring images of the Dalai Lama telling us something like “happiness comes from within”.

They’re easy to dismiss.

The problem is, they’re right.

But it’s tough to look within. If you’ve spent years pursuing extrinsic happiness while sacrificing your intrinsic happiness, it’s hard to admit that there may be another way. The sunk cost fallacy keeps you trapped on the treadmill. To change your approach can feel like admitting failure. It’s easier to convince yourself that if you keep at it just a bit longer, you’ll find that elusive, enduring happiness.

Unfortunately for most people, they never get off the treadmill to try a new approach.

And that’s where I come in.

If you want to unlock your own rich, deep and unassailable happiness, I can help. My superpower is in helping people release their internal blocks to happiness and strengthen their intrinsic happiness.

For me, happiness comes from the pursuits that enliven me. And one of those is helping other people unlock their happiness.

I've created a life I love, I help others do the same and I’ve mapped out the journey – not in a self-help guru way - but from a solid place of life experience in performance coaching executive leaders since 1992.

As a professional team coach, I have worked with countless corporations seeking better results as well as with close friends crossing the divide from lack to love.

The pursuit of happiness is an oversold promise, but what if one by one, each of us who have found it raise our hands and say, "I can help you"?

I'm that guy. Let's talk.

I'm accepting one new client in June and one new client in July. If you're ready to take the next step to unlocking the happiness you deserve, contact me. We'll see if there's a fit. And if there is, we'll start the process.